pregnancy

A Peaceful & Empowering Home Birth after Previous Trauma…during a Pandemic.

“Birth does not ask you to be fearless. It asks you to be brave.” – Britta Bushnell

This video is my victorious birth!

I was so full of fear at the beginning of this pregnancy. After 2 previous traumatic births, I didn’t know if I’d be mentally able to birth again and was definitely unsure if I could do it at home, though that’s what my heart wanted. 

My first birth at 15 years old, was a traditional feet up / back down vaginal birth at the local hospital. I was voiceless and choiceless. I was told that I needed to be induced early, that I’d be getting an epidural and an episiotomy, that I’d be placing my daughter for adoption and she wouldn’t leave the hospital with me. For my second birth, 2.5 years ago, I decided this time I would reclaim my voice and autonomy and chose to birth my way at home with only my husband, midwife and doula present. Unfortunately, this birth led to the unexpected triggering of childhood sexual assault trauma, I panicked, froze and dissociated during my son’s birth. I was unaware that even after years of intentional hard work on my painful history (see My Healiversary), that trauma could still live in my body. After my son was born, my placenta did not detach (I believe it was pscho-somatic) and I was rushed to the ER by ambulance. If that wasn’t traumatic enough, the entire experience in the hospital was pretty horrendous in itself, the way we were treated, like some backwoods hillbillies who birthed our child in an alley somewhere and were not to be trusted. The hospital staff tried to not let us leave and we were definitely threatened with Child Protective Services before we legally left. I can only imagine how we would’ve been treated if we weren’t educated on our rights, if I wasn’t white and if we both were not English speaking American citizens.

So when I found out I was pregnant this past August (*SURPRISE*), I didn’t know what I was going to do. Abortion was a quick and easy but unwanted solution that popped into my mind for a split second. Next, I seriously considered birthing in the hospital this time so I could have access to an epidural and I wouldn’t have to deal with potentially being triggered from the physical feelings of birth again. I visited a hospital and because I’m low-risk, I was paired with a midwife. I wanted to find out what birthing looked like at the hospital and then she shared with me that two of their midwives were out on maternity leave and they had both had home births, I took that as a sign. Later that week, I saw a forreal sign that read “what would you do if you weren’t afraid” and I knew the answer. Thus began a new chapter in my healing journey as I walked the path of preparing for birthing at home again, learning to move through uncharted territory of “AND”,  being both afraid and brave at the same time.

I had very simple intentions (see below) and am so proud of myself for the work I put in and how I showed up for myself the way I did. I am now able to contribute a positive birth narrative, the powerful tools that worked for me and share with other mamas that it is possible to have the birth you want after trauma and as a survivor. I’ll be sharing more on this topic in coming posts as I am also currently working on a documentary about the long term affects of sexual assault on the birthing person and on the birth spectrum.

My intentions:

1. To remain present in my body.

2. To move my body.

3. To turn off my thinking brain.

4. To listen to & trust my body & my baby’s innate wisdom.

5. To let my birth unfold naturally, undisturbed.

6. To use my voice aloud (talking to my body, baby and any resources I needed to call on).

7. To not say “I can’t”.

8. To catch my baby!

9. To have my placenta detach and deliver without intervention or an ER visit!

Please feel free to reach out if you have any questions or are looking for some guidance to claim your right to an empowering birth post trauma or not. 

Our Birth Team also my postpartum team! – (this was smart pandemic planning!)

Birth Doula: Daisy Hamony of Monarca Birth 

Sibling Support + Photographer & Videographer: Lauren Archer of Love of a Little One (We also took our childbirth class with her and she is our lactation consultant for new babe)

Midwife: Lauren French Hoy of MadreLuz LA Midwifery Services

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*Special thank yous to the following womxn for their various tools that I incorporated during this birth.*

Lauren Archer of Love of a Little One for our childbirth class and SO much off the clock love and support.

Marie Mongon of Hypnobirthing

Sheila Kamara Kay of Ecstatic Birth

Debra Pascali-Bonaro of Orgasmic Birth

Robin McLeavy of Birth Temple

– xOx

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Pregnancy and Weed

Candles glow // I close eyes for the wishes I blow // Seeds I sow // For the chance to know // Your healing soul // Grow Flower grow.

This week I had the honor of guest writing for the blog, Jane Dope, “a blog by and for women who love Cannabis.” on the super taboo topic of using cannabis while pregnant. In the article, I share my personal thoughts and experiences. Here’s an excerpt:

“I’m a planner and a researcher living a hippie lifestyle. I don’t just put anything into or on my body without proper investigation, so to smoke during my pregnancy was a conscious choice.” 

I’m grateful to have had the opportunity to share my story on a female-driven platform for other conscious Mama tokers. I hope that it can bring some understanding to those that may judge us and also share a light with those who feel alone or even ashamed by their cannabis use.

Peep the full story here.

weed and pregnancy 1
A gloriously full 10 months pregs!

– xOx

Ciao Ciao Vices!

Ciao, adios, sayonara my dear friends // Jose, Grey and Henny, you been with me through thick and thin // We’ve had some fun nights with the ladies and the mens // but now it’s time to say goodbye to day drinking, hangovers, recapping in the AM // I’m starting a new chapter, a new life, so that’s it, I’m fin // Cleansing my temple from years and years of sin // Bringing new life & adding wealth to my kin. // I’ll think back on our time together with mixed feelings and a grin // maybe one day I’ll revisit, but for now, I gotta go hard for the win. 

A rare look into one of my last drunk nights captured on video.

So as you know, we’ve been working on an ongoing preconception plan for a minute and one of the ways to really get prepared is to cleanse our bodies through our food choices, adding vitamins to our daily regimen and cutting out all of our vices! Yikes! In preparation for alla that, we decided to spend our last pre-baby summer micro-dosing on shrooms, going on DMT journeys, road trippin, nude beachin and we were even lucky enough to be able to take a work/pleasure trip to Spoleto, Italy for a month to macro-dose on red wine and theatah! I will say once we got home from Italy, weening off the vino was not easy, especially since we were hosting my sister from Amsterdam who had a bottle waiting for us upon US arrival! Even with all the temptations, I knew I would put in the hard work to clean out this temporary home for my future bambinx. With a party night here and a party night there, I began the process as you’ve seen in several of my previous v/blogs. This video is def not about the cleansing, but one of my last crazy nights in the streets of Italy! I hope you laugh as much as I did when I found it the next morning!

– xOx

PS. At the beginning of the insert video, I say “where Josh and I are walking”, I was trying to say “staying” cuz I was def walking home solo. D-ruuuuunk!

 

Book Reviews: Nutrition!

Oh snap! My first book review here.

As a vegetarian/wanna be vegan (like 89% vegan) who wants to get pregs, I have received an onslaught of opinions and theories from other people.

#1. I would have to start eating meat again if I want the baby to get the proper nutrition or even just to conceive, “bone broth, bone broth, bone broth”- ugh!

#2. But the cravings! If the baby wants meat, mama is going to have to eat meat.

#3. It’s not healthy to be a vegetarian/vegan and get pregnant, be pregnant, nurse, etc.

#4. Blah, blah, blah!

Welp! Shut it up! I mean, I know that when most people share thoughts and opinions, it’s coming from a well-meaning place, but I’m just not into meat like that. Sorry meat, it’s not you, it’s me. Oh, also the pure disgustingness that is factory farming, rotting flesh that’s been on the shelves longer than it should be and a whole bunch more that’s actually our government’s fault! I’ve never been a big meat eater and have loved veggies since I was a kid, broccoli was my ish! I was a vegetarian in elementary school, ate meat (amongst a number of other unhealthy habits) in high school and then came back around to my veggie-lovin self consciously, 4 years ago. I kind of figured that someones, somewheres out there had to have had healthy conceptions, pregnancies and children with a plant-based diet and thus I was led by one of those people to two books. The Kind Mama by Alicia Silverstone and Skinny Bitch Bun in the Oven by Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin. They both definitely echo each other, but hey, repetition is the mother of mastery and they confirm all the theories of my own intuition, that a plant-based diet is a totally doable and healthy way to have a pregnancy. I watch my protein, my calcium, my folate (the natural occurring version of folic acid), etc, etc on an app called My Fitness Pal, it’s heeeeeeella tedious, but I know where I’m coming up short and/or over on. I feel like I’m watching my food intake more now than when I went through a fitness bootcamp pre-wedding sans working on my 6-pack, let’s be real, my 4-pack! But it’s for da baby!! Happy healthy eating everyone!

– xOx

Fertility Smoothie

“Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food.” ― Hippocrates

Making my daily fertility smoothie here!

Mmmm fruit smoothies and preventative food medicine that packs a nutritional punch! POW! There’s a number of things that make a smoothie great and if you’re a little veggie-lover like me, one of the major things is making sure I’m getting the right fats and PROOOOOTEIN! I’m all about that protein life and it’s the annoying question every carnivore will ask, “how do you get your protein?” “Umm there’s a rack of sources, oh limited thinker that’s been conditioned by our meat industry.” Each of my protein shakes typically has 30+ grams of protein per serving. Now, let me hurry up and write this post so I can go make one!

My typical daily smoooovie!

– Almond Milk. 8-12oz. I’m not that intense yet that I make my own almond milk and I tend to lean towards the unsweetened option of the Trader Joe’s brand.

– Juice, *optional* If I happen to have some delish fresh juice in the house, I’ll add a few ounces up in the mix for flavor and to thin it out a bit.

– H2o. I always add a couple ounces of water because my smoothies tend to come out on the thick side and Mama likes to be able to actually drink them sans a spoon!

– Coconut Oil. 1-2TB. Fat, fat, fat, fat, fat! We need fat, point blank period and this is coming from a pretty vain Queen, but our bodies need the good fat to function properly. The fat that comes from coco oil helps balance our hormones, gives our body the fat it needs to use and store as well as giving us healthy fat for pregnancy, our future babies’ brains and has been shown to increase the Laurie acid content in breast milk! BOOM! Not to mention it’s great lube too ;)~ don’t worry, that will be a whole ‘nother post in itself! Trader Joe’s has a pretty good variety of coco oil to choose from these days.

– Flax Seed Oil. 2TB. Hands down if you’re a vegetarian or vegan, you need Omega 3s, it’s a must for us! Flax seed is a great source of omega 3s and fiber, but it’s not the only way to get them now. We also have the option of chia seeds and walnuts, but they don’t go down as smoothly in a smoothie without additional prep work, so I opt for the Snappie way and oil it is! I eat chia on my oatmeal, cereal and salads and snack on walnuts on their own! You can find it in the vitamin section of Trader Joe’s!

– Vegan Protein. 1 scoop. I try to only buy protein that has multiple protein sources and at least 20 grams of protein. My FAVORITE brand, again, is Garden of Life specifically their RAW Organic Protein, “Raw Organic Protein is a Certified Organic, Non-GMO Project Verified RAW Vegan Protein powder made with 13 Raw sprouted proteins delivering 22 grams of protein that is dairy free with a complete profile of all the essential amino acids along with added whole food fat-soluble vitamins, probiotics and enzymes.” (lifted directly from their site!) and I mean really do I need to write or sell it anymore?

– Peanut Butter. 1-2TB. Legit, I go through about a jar of PB a week, forreals, in my smoothies, cereal, oatmeal and sometimes just on a spoon with a glass of almond milk. It’s got more FAT, the good kind, it’s a great source of protein and the kind I buy, again from Trader Joe’s, has no other ingredients other than peanuts! GASP!?! We don’t need all those other added ingredients says I? It’s true.

– Shatavari Root Powder. 1/2 tsp. Go here for a full spread on the Shatavari Root, but if you’re just gonna stick to this page, here’s a real quick rundown of Shatavari. It’s an Aryurvedic herb known as “woman with 100 husbands” okay?! It’s a great herb for ampin’ up that libido, fertility and even lactation…pump, pump it up, in all the ways.

– Las fruttas. I eye this out, but if you want measurements, like 1/2 of each piece of fruit I have and I have my faves naturally. Bananas blend hella well, so does papaya and it seems I also use a lot of mango and pineapple (if the latter 2 aren’t in season, I usually buy the bag of chopped and frozen from TJ’s). I love me some avocado too, it makes the smoothie creamy delish and of course adds more of that good fat! Of course if I don’t have any of those, I just use whatever fruit is in the house, apples, pears, melons, blueberries, whatever’s in season and in my fridge. Chop it and screw it!

Now, mix all these ingredients up in whatever blender you have, I use a Ninja, which works totally fine, but am suuuper pressed to get a Vitamix! There’s gotta be a raffle or something somewhere! Let me know!

PS. Do I sound like a Trader Joe’s junkie or like I’m getting a kickback from TJ’s? I wish I was!! Hey TJ, send a gift card this way!

– xOx

Not Pregs Yet

My timing is not your timing and so the story goes // To invite you in, I must learn // it’s about relinquishing control // To my Spirit, lover, ancestor and friend // the meeting of old souls // Sacred forces of love // waiting for you to unfold // We’ll dance again, we’ll pirouette // sashay around the sun // trip and twirl with Mother Moon // feeling our hearts beating inside my one.

A clip into my feels.

So 2 cycles of “intentionally” trying to get pregs and it hasn’t happened yet. I know that this can take some time, in fact, I’ve googled it now, of course, and there’s only a 20% chance of getting pregnant each cycle. Which means, years ago, I was hitting that 20% like a muthafuckin bullseye! I very much believed that the first time me and my sperm-totin, chromosome-slingin partner had unprotected sex that that would be it! We’d totally be pregs on the first try. I wasn’t even putting that much pressure on us, at all, we were like whatever about it. We agreed that after we paid off our consumer debt, we’d just be less safe in the lovemaking arena and see what happened, whenever it happened, and it hasn’t happened. Okay, not gonna lie, I was also trying to have a Cancer baby, because we’ll be TWINS and BFFs!!!, but that dream is gone for now and I’m trying not to micromanage what my baby’s zodiac sign will be (*please let it be a water sign, please let it be a water sign*).

I guess I was also thrown off because I had started my preconception plan; my body, mind and spirit work 6-10 months before our projected “unsafe sex” zone! Then having lots and lots of boning in as many crazy places and positions as possible so we could have a fun conception story and then I wake up to the crimson tide, again. It’s a shock and it sucks, especially when I’ve now deemed myself “ready”. Are we ever really ready though? I’m hopeful and faithful that we have a purpose and a place in the continued creation of beautiful humans that will be part of the good in the world. I know that it could take us up to 12 months to get pregnant and after that we can seek even more expert help.

Today, I let myself be sad, mourn with the first day of my cycle and then I’ll feel the blessing and cleansing that it is and I’ll honor it while dancing with the phases of the moon. To be continued…

– xOx