allies

Couples Counseling

And it is messy // But it is a blessing // Because when it’s open and exposed // There’s no more throwin ‘bows // Waving white flags to foes // The wounds are scabbing up // Small scars I’ll bare // To live the life I dare. [excerpt from My Muse]. 

About a year and some change ago, the boo and I started couples counseling. We both wanted to be committed to this marriage, but to be honest we were in a pretty rough and tumble place resulting from the deep dark dank hole I seemed to be stuck in. It was a pretty scary time for the both of us as we had no idea what was to become of us, individually and collectively. We were on the verge of separation, I even hesitantly threw the word divorce out into the ring. I’m a product of parents who have both been through multiple divorces, I never really had an example of a healthy relationship that made it through hard times. On the hub’s hand though, his parents have been together for 35+ years, so there was never even a consideration for divorce on his end. To this day, I am so unbelievably grateful that I have a life partner who checks his ego for the good of the whole and isn’t too “manly” (whatever the F that means) to go to counseling or read books on issues that deal directly with what we’re going through and to better himself. Because of our commitment and super duper freakin hard work and a whole lotta tears later, we are now in a place that I never dreamed that we could be. We are closer, more in love, better at communicating and I have experienced true intimacy for the first time in my life. Wow! It’s pretty mind-blowing. Without pursuing counseling, we would never be in a mentally and emotionally stable place to bring a child into this world, thus continuing cycles that were meant to be stopped not recycled! We broke them invisible chains baby!!!

And oh how I love that he humors me by being in my silly Snappie Hippie vlog!

Love me some he.

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RESOURCE: If you’re a sexual trauma survivor and you’re in a relationship, one of the #1 books that really helped us; him understand my behavior and me start to recognize my learned coping patterns was, When a Woman You Love Was Abused. It’s a great couples read, eye opening and healing.

– xOx

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Therapy. Yes, Please!

So I digest it and compress it, minimize it and repress it // erasing the bruises and the cries // Press on, my brain’s on a loop of ping pong. [excerpt from Phoenix Rising]. 

*potential trigger warning*

That’s how I lived for 20+ years, never talking about my childhood trauma…until 2014, when a range of rapid fire triggers attacked me like a swarm of killer bees. Sting! Becoming a newly wed. Sting! Seeing a short film on rape. Sting! Being asked to work with a sexual assault survivor advocacy group. Sting! Thinking about having kids. Sting! Drink, drink, drankin! Sting! Sting! Stangin! The very onset of the memories sent me into a out of control downwards, backwards spiral cycle. I restlessly and breathlessly crawled and scraped my way into a counseling center. Desperation, depression and stress, the stank smell on the hem of my breath. Tears straying, praying this grace could be my saving and that my life would not fall to waste. Without therapy (and the massive amount of work that I’ve put into it-  cuz ish ain’t easy!), I know that I wouldn’t be writing this vlog blog right now, let alone still have a home and definitely not working on creating a family with the love of my life, (whom can only be described as God-inspired and super humanly-strengthened to have me as a wife), a person who has stuck with me through the worst toxic mess, and he’s never loved me any less. I give him so many props because he said I do, way before he knew.

  • Micro-vlog episode #2 is up on YouTube, Therapy. Yes, Please! 65 seconds of truth! Mental health is REAL! Let’s all take care of our minds more than the media wants us to worry about the way we “should” look, okay?!?

Today, I am the Director of Outreach at More Than No, a non profit and anti-rape campaign, aimed at championing consent-culture through artistic activism. There was a time when I couldn’t even fathom the life I have now, it was so dark and I was so lost. Everyday, I am grateful for the light and the THERAPY! Straight up, intense, ongoing therapy. It’s the best choice I have ever made and the hardest I have ever worked at something. I wish mental health was one of the most important things taught to us, I hope that I’m able to impart some of this knowledge onto my babes and anyone really.

One thing that prevents people from seeking mental health is the financial cost, DO NOT LET THAT STOP YOU!! If there’s a will, there’s a way! Here’s a couple of resources for finding a therapist in your area. You are the most important thing in this world, your presence is needed here and you’re here for a reason. Like the airplane oxygen mask instructions, put your healing first.

PS. It’s Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month, so let’s be gentle with ourselves and each other, because we don’t know everyone else’s story.

– xOx